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Changing my life, one obstacle at a time...

When I quit my job three months ago, I had no idea the implications of my decision.  After 6 weeks of applications and interviews, I landed a position in Maryland with a salary that I could not turn down.  It was not necessarily my ideal position, but it is turning out to be the best decision I ever made.

Shortly before accepting this position, things ended with Ryan, pretty brutally I might add.  After all of these years, I finally forced myself to let go.  I stopped texting, calling, and erased him from my life.  Starting my new job only helped me get through this process, as it was a great adjustment.  To say I do not occassionally think about him would be a lie.  I do.  I wonder what he is doing, how he is doing.  But, I am no longer in love with him.  Which is a huge step. 

There were many miserable weekends that followed our break up, many sob sessions.  This was mostly attributed to the fear of being alone, rather than losing someone who was never any good for me in the first place.  I remember feeling like there was no one left in the world for me to meet...

Enter J :)  I am now happier than I have been in a very long time.  I have met the most amazing person who gives me butterflies like I haven't had in years.  I can't remember the last time that I felt this way so quickly about someone.  That is terrifying to me. 

After so many years of hurt and rejection, it is hard for me to trust anyone. I am constantly worried that I am not good enough for this person who seems so perfect to me.  I wonder when my happy dream is going to turn into a nightmare.  I know, I sound like such a pessimist, always looking for the bad side, but it is just so hard to believe that I can be this happy with someone, and it will last.  So here's to hoping that my butterflies continue, and that maybe it is finally my turn.

It's all a game of chance

As we go through life, many people will disappoint us.  They will come and go.  Jobs will come and go.  Relationships will come and go.  But the only person you can really depend on, is yourself. 

Recently, I have found myself making changes.  I resigned from my job last week, with no real place to go.  I took a chance, and cut out the negative people and atmosphere that surrounded me 12 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I made this decision because ultimately, I felt trapped in my own life.  I shocked myself that morning, walking into my managers office, and giving my notice.  It was like an out-of-body experience, something I had talked about for so many months, dreamt about, but never thought I had the guts to do.  I am not a quitter, but I am no longer a push-over.

This longing for change has now boiled over into my personal life.  For the last three years, I have been writing only about one person, a person that has me so twisted and mangled inside, that I cannot see straight some days.  I live for him, instead of myself.  It is a strange to realize how it all came about, and I struggle to imagine how I could let this be.  How can I break the hold when he's not the one holding on? 

R comes and goes from my life periodically.  This time he came back one day after ending his relationship with the 21 year old.  When that first text message came across my phone, I had to look twice to make sure I was not insane.  I sobbed for an hour before I could even bring myself to respond.  I contemplated not responding, but my curiousity got the best of me, and only two short days later I was driving to his house to pick him up for drinks.

In our conversations prior to meeting up, we had settled on the fact that we would be friends.  He said that he needed me in his life, and although we could not be together for obvious reasons, friends would be a suitable answer.  I agreed.  So we decided to meet for drinks and catch up.

From the moment he opened the door and sat in the passengers seat, it was like nothing had changed.  We sat at the bar for hours talking and laughing, even crying a bit.  Before the night was over, he had told me that he wanted to be back together.  I resisted.  My head was screaming, but my heart wouldn't listen.  I had missed him so much over the last six months.  I had waited so long for this day. 

That day, turned into a few weeks.  There were many happy times, lots of discussions about the future, and even plans for trips.  It looked as if I may get what I have been waiting so long for.  Then the ugliness started, as it always does.  The fighting, the comments, the harsh words.  It was like I was right back where I started 3 years ago.  I questioned my judgement but could not come up with the strength to walk away.  My heart stands in my way every time.  How can I love someone this much?  Someone who does nothing to make it work, who comes in and out of my life with so much ease?  It makes me disgusted with myself. 

So now it is time to gather up some more bravery and make another change.  The pain of losing this person again, may just kill me, but ultimately I have no choice.  I am tired of the rollercoaster.  It is time to jump and see where I land. 

When I turn 25...

In one month, I will be 25 years old.  I have lived a quarter century and probably a little over a quarter of my life.  When I thought about turning 25 before, I thought of where I wanted to be, where I was sure I would be at that age.  When I was 16, I thought by 25 I would be married with at least a child or two.  When I was 21, I thought I would be married, but would wait on the children.  Then just last year, at 24, I thought I would be engaged by 25.  Now here I am, 25, and not even close.

The person that I thought I was going to marry, left me, almost 6 months ago.  He is now 29 and dating a 21 year old that is the exact polar opposite of me.   He has done everything possible to seperate himself from me for good and the extra effort makes it all the more painful.  When I hear stories about him, it makes me hurt inside a little.  Not because I want to be with him, or because I think he was the one, but because I wasted my time and energy trying to make it work.  I wasted three beautiful years of my young adult life on a person that couldn't give back.  I am sad for those years.

My birthday this year will probably be a very unhappy day.  I have set goals, and for reasons beyond my control, have not reached them.  I am terrified of ending up alone.  I just want to be happy, to have someone I can depend on.  So here's to turning 25 and being single...have a drink for me...Lord knows I'll be throwin' them back.

Self-loathing

Last night I watched as The Bachelor publicly broke the heart of a beautiful, charming, intelligent, woman only to turn around and land another within the hour.  It makes me ill to see women make the same mistakes over and over.  Why don't we learn from each other?  Why don't we see the snakes creeping our way? 

I torture myself with photos of you and my replacement.  Yet strangely enough, you deserve each other and I can see it in just a few shots.  You, wearing the hat that I bought you on our very first Christmas, in our beautiful apartment, hugging and kissing my replacement as if I never existed in your world.  I hate myself for looking at those pictures.  I hate myself for loving you in the first place, for not seeing what you really are and always have been.  You make me sick, yet I continue to watch your life unfold through my computer screen.  Your life, without me. 

I want to scream at this girl, tell her to wake up and realize what she is getting wrapped up in.  She wouldn't listen anyway, we never do.  As women we feel we can fix the world.  We feel that we are the only ones that can make that man into the man he should be.  But the reality is, he will never change.  He will never be the man he could be.  He is a snake in the grass just waiting for his next victim, and unfortunatley he found it in you.  So I will watch as this story unfolds.  I will torture myself with photos for months on end.  But only to prove to myself that I am right.  That he can never be a committed or loving man.  To prove that it wasn't just me, that it is any and every woman that he comes across.  I will wait and watch until the day that I forget.  God willing, I will forget soon...

changes and challenges

The last year has been filled with changes and challenges.  The ups and downs with Ryan could not have been more drastic.  We were together, broken up, back together, broken up...I can't even count how many times.  I bought a house, I got promoted.  I gave up my promotion.  I was heart broken and blissfully happy.  It was enough to drive a person insane.  Enough pressure, emotion, and change than I could bear.  I grew.  I have learned more in the last year, than I even thought I could.  I learned about love, loss, responsibility, adversity, and most of all myself. 

As my pageant days came to a close, I needed to realize my own identity.  Where did I stand now?  What defined me?  I leaned on a failing relationship with hope that it would provide me with answers.  Instead, it once again left me alone and broken.  I felt defeated and terrified that I might never move ahead of the cycle that I was stuck in.  After the final break up, I moved into my very own home.  A home that I bought by myself, that I had saved for and dreamed of sharing with someone else.  But even without that someone, it was a huge, wonderful step. 

Things seemed to be going in the right direction.  I quickly began dating again, as I always do, and hoped for the best.  Yet, nothing seemed to satisfy what I was seeking.  I got promoted, only to quickly realize that the job was not for me.  That it made me so miserable, I could not bear the thought of going to work without extreme anxiety.  So I took a huge step, stood up for what I wanted in my life, instead of what everyone else wanted for me, and I gave up the promotion. 

That very same day, as the weight lifted off my shoulders, and as I confronted my fears and weaknesses, I received a message that started a whole new page.  A new person came into my life, and I was filled with excitement at the possibilities.  But, as usual, I was jumping ahead of myself.  And even when I try to slow down, I am unable. 

I am so used to jumping in with both feet.  Maybe that is what gets me in trouble.  But I believe, it comes from a strong urge to find the person that I have always been looking for.  But this time, I have no control over the speed or strength of feelings.  I am free falling without a parachute, hoping that he will catch me before I hit the ground and break again.  I am unsure of where I'm going, and unable to look back.  I want to run, I want to scream, I want someone to tell me the future.  But, I get nothing.  I must have blind faith. 

Before I endured the last year of my life, I do not think I could have or would have waited around to see the ending to this story.  I would have laid it on the line, or run away.  But now, as an older and wiser person, I see that maybe this is just exactly what I need.  Moving at a snails pace, maybe this is how it is supposed to go.  I believe that this is a new challenge for me, in a new year, with endless possibilities.